Guestpost #5: Kirsten Gallagher – Ten things I’ve learned about men from eHarmony

Kirsten Gallagher is a very talented comedian (-ienne?), a member of WDWMKR at the ITC, and a personal trainer. She also writes a brilliant and hilarious blog that started here:  http://atheistbiblelark.blogspot.com/ and is now here: http://atheistbiblestudy.wordpress.com/

A bit of background: I’m not ashamed to admit that I paid for a three-month trial membership on eHarmony, This is how we meet people these days, isn’t it? I thought so. Besides, I loathe the club scene. Needless to say, I didn’t have tremendous success and now I’m out sixty bucks (which could have bought me a nice steak dinner). I did learn a few things about men or rather, some men from the experience. Bear in mind that when I use “men” in the list below, I’m using it to be succinct; I really mean “a few jerks”.

  1. Men think they look more attractive in pictures if there are women hanging off them, laughing mid-sway like it’s a Ferrero Rocher commercial. I hate those commercials.
  2. Men think it’s sufficient to list their interests as “hanging out and having good times with friends”. That’s what everybody likes to do, unless you happen to have Asperger’s.
  3. Men don’t understand that the qualifier “self-employed” demands further elaboration. Without it, “self-employed” sounds to me like “I live in my parents’ house and will have to borrow their van to take you out on a date that will likely be to the Playdium in Mississauga”. That screenplay’s never going to get written.
  4. Men don’t understand that trying to sound way smarter than you are by mentioning stuff I learned in a first-year political philosophy course will absolutely make you sound dumber than you are. I never, ever want to go on a date and talk about how “communism is great in theory”.
  5. Men have more fragile egos than women. This is a new realization for me. Sorry to the guy who had to hear that I just wasn’t “feeling it” after the second date.
  6. Men have a critical period between the ages of 25 and 30 in which they can make lifestyle choices that will potentially make them look like a 40-something Dad worthy of an expensive barbeque and a “Kiss the Cook” apron. A goatee does not mask these choices.
  7. Men might want to have sex with you but will still not spring for a $1.94 coffee on the first date (tax included). It wasn’t even a latte.
  8. Men might think that because a date didn’t go horribly, horribly wrong that it went really, really right. I happen to be equipped with the ability to crack myself up and oftentimes, the presence of others is incidental.
  9. Men might think that because we share similar interests that it’s a match. It’s great that we’re both well-travelled and learning Spanish. But if nothing’s happening south of the border then there is no third date.
  10. There are two words that men don’t know are the equivalent of throwing a bucket of ice water on my crotch: computers and science-fiction (well, three words).

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