Guestpost #42: Chris Besler – Ten things I’ve learned from being a lifeguard (at a lower-income apartment complex)

Bio: Chris has utterly wasted a decade making people feel merriment through his improv, and doesn’t plan on stopping anytime soon. Talk to him about movies or nerd culture, and he will not shut the hell up. He performs weekly for the Impatient Theatre Company and he swears he’s going to start writing that damned novel, OKAY?! This is his bio: http://www.impatient.ca/people/chris-besler/ So that’s cool.

Note: During my adolescence and young adulthood I spent my summers absorbing solar vitamin D and making sure people didn’t run on pool decks… or die. All these pools were located deep in Scarborough, Toronto. Under my care these pools were better maintained than the properties that held them… and I did not really care about pool maintenance.

  1. Lifeguards do attract attention from members of the opposite gender. Here’s how it goes: if you’re female, nearly every male from 16-45 will at some point ogle you, if not more. If you’re male, 11-year-old girls will think you’re the shit. A. C. Slater I was not.
  2. You know how most people don’t wear white bathing suits because they get very transparent when wet? Well, there is a sector of our population that love white swimwear: the elderly.
  3. If you spend an entire day in the sun, no amount of sunscreen will stop you from burning.
  4. I have a chest like a Wookie. All that hair had to start somewhere. For me, my Chebaccatude started at the nipples, in a tank top that allowed my biological sweater’s birth to be viewed and critiqued by all.
  5. On a similar note, every physical flaw you have will be pointed out. Psoriasis, skin tags, tan lines, potbelly, hairy toes, even my nostrils were pointed out to me. Damn my abnormal nostrils!
  6. Saying, “Walk please!” every time a kid runs in front of you will have a Pavlovian effect on you. As a result, I am no longer allowed to attend my brother’s soccer games.
  7. Yes your rent pays for this pool, and by extension my services. No, I will not keep the pool open longer; I have heatstroke to recover from.
  8. If kids like you, you can give them money to buy you Timbits and Iced Capps.
  9. If kids like you, you can give them money to buy you Timbits and Iced Capps, and you will become a fat lifeguard. (The Aquaman of Mall Cops.)
  10. The most grateful anyone was for my services was a puppy I scooped out of the pool. Which adds to my belief that dogs are greater than people.

2 Comments

Filed under tenthingsivelearned, Uncategorized

2 responses to “Guestpost #42: Chris Besler – Ten things I’ve learned from being a lifeguard (at a lower-income apartment complex)

  1. This is a good blog. Keep up all the work. I too love to site. This is great every person sharing opinions. Magnificent post, very informative. You must continue your writing. I’m confident, you have a great readers’ base already!

  2. I was a lifeguard in Toronto all through high school. Speedos are scary! And the smell of chlorine….meh.

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